So, yesterday, after attening an interesting (thats the best word to describe it) several hours long meeting of local community folk, my own straight female Mr. Besnon, we'll call her Ms. B, and myself watched the film Twilight, based on the first of four novels in a series by Stephenie Meyer. (As another note, Ms. B is currently working on a coffee table book for her friends, who run the ViewPoint Inn, where the anti-climatic prom was filmed...and with that said, onto the review!! (And note, i have not read the books, at all)
Okay, so we have Twilight, which, for the record, wasn't my personal brand of cocaine (To paraphrase one of the supposedly famous and most popular lines from the film.
In order for me to not go off on tangents (okay, not that many,) let me break this down into sections. The film will recieve one cock per section.
the breakdown will be as follows
ACTING
SCRIPT
DIRECTION
MUSIC
Make-Up/Sfx
So, the most this film could earn is five cocks. Okay? Lets rumble.
ACTING:
The film stars Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a teenage girl who falls in love with vampire Edward Cullen, portrayed by Robert Pattinson. These two actors faces have been plasted everywhere for the past however many months now, and the film is mostly about the two of them, though I must say, it's sad when the main stars and focus of a film are more banal, interesting and charasmatic than an actress who appears in the film for, i don't know, ten minutes, top.
Let's talk about Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan. I am not sure what direction the director Catherine Hardwicke gave the young actress, if any direction at all, with the exception of the following "play the conflicted troubled teen-ager". Ms. Stewart delivered the same facial expressions, vocal tones, and body language throughout the entire film duration, practically. There was one moment i noticed a smile. And that was when she was in her boyfriend's bedroom, and he was trying to swirl her and dance. The smile and glimpse of emotion was only that though, and then she was back to "i don't dance", and ms. brooding troubled teenager. The boyfriends response was to jump out the window (I've been there bro). Too bad he took her with him. (Although he does call her about 30 seconds later a Monkey Spider. My, how terms of endeament have changed...
now, about the boyfriend, aka vampire named Edward Cullen...with the material he was given, you could see that Mr. Pattinson tried his damndest to do a good job, and for the most part, behind the glitter, and the coif hair, and the white powdered make-up, and in spite of having to call his co-star a spider monkey and make a similarity between her and cocaine. The actor definitely has talent. Was he perfectly cast? No, though i don't think many were. Still, he handles the physicality of the character well, and even handles the script hurdles that he's give. I think he's a young actor who will continue to grow...
The best acting in the film, in my opinion, however, belonged to Rachelle Lefèvre as Victoria, the vampire with the most life, even though the final scene cliff-hanger was anything but. When Victoria was on screen i actaully wanted to know more about her. Which is lacking with the rest of the cast, with the exception fo Bella's Father, played by Billy Burke, who pulls off the stache very very well!!!
Amongst the other actors, and their characters...
I was kind of insulted when i saw the immediate feminne stereotype of the gay guy who clings to Bella as soon as she arrives at the school, only to be more insulted to find out that the character is supposed to be straight. COME ON MARY!!!!! Please!!!! You should run for the Musical!!!
As far as the vampire family was concerned, i dont know anyones name except short haired Alice, who could read the future, but for the film, was reading the scenes directly before her lol.
Oh, and the dark haired brother, in my book, was more alluring than Mr. Edward, but sadly we only get to see him play family football in a thunder storm (I kid you not)
So, with the possibilty of one cock for this category, i give it 1/2 a cock. (I can't give the actors no cock because, frankly, i don't think they had any direction, or any helpful direction, in any case)
Moving on to the Script.
Melissa Anne Rosenberg. I have to admit that I'm a fan. From Ally McBeal, to Dexter, and yes, Dark Skies. I had read that an inspiration for the script came from Brokeback Mountain. Okay, interesting...but with her former credits, she is a writer who has wit, and zap, and a bold style. Which, sadly, has been lost here, but that's not her fault, and i don't discredit her. Here, she was working on an adaptation of the novel. The weak story had already been put down, and Rosenberg had to deal with what she was dealt. And no i haven't read the book, but i didn't dislike the dialogue all that much, although some of it i found out was directly lifted from the novel itself. And that's not Rosenberg's fault. The cocaine reference and spider monkey refernce, included. So, I have to give the screenplay, being a solid backbone for the film, 1 COCK.
OH the Direction, the direction. If i could give negatives I would certainly do so here. It is often said that a film is made in the editing, and for the most part I largly agree. But, issue number one has to be that the director has given somethign to the editors to work with. Sadly, this is not the case of Ms. Hardwicke. First off, what is with the obsession of the saturation of the cool colors of the color palette? Please, there is no reason for everything to be blues, and greens. There was one scene where Bella, wearing a blue sweater, was laying on a blue comforter, surrounded by blue pillows and deep purple pillows...ENOUGH OF THE BLUE!!!! Where was the red???? Where was the life??? Too much color saturation!
When dealing with high drama, which a teenaged-vampire cum first love story ultimately is, the director needs to understand and work in that medium. In this story, so much dealling with internal emotions, the director must direct the actors on how to emote those emotions and illustrate them. I've seen actors better directed in a local dinner theatre.
Ms. Hardwicke is also a lover of huge, establishing aireal shots, and camera rotations, which are usually used for establishing a location where the characters then take center stage for the drama. But not in Twilight. lol Filmed mostly on locations, which are beautiful, esp. the ViewPoint Inn, we understand the beauty of the landscape. Ms. Hardwicke seems to, instead of focusing the attention of the audience on the actors for a pivotal scene, in the middle of intimate dialogue, pulls the camera back to show the lake, or the trees! WHAT???? ARRE YOU DOING???? This isn't Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon!!! This is an emotional love story. You are distracting and taking away from any emotion!!!
Now, i will say that i have yet to direct a feature film, but i have directed several works in the difficult and cut throat NYC market. Now, inevitably, some folk would and do walk out of my pieces of Theatre. They call it disgusting, horrific, onscene. Others, stay and cheer and what have you. One thing that is certain, however, is that no one leaves the theatre feeling indifference, which is exactly how i felt after viewing Twilight. Indifferent.
And this was, even after the supposed cliff hanger, of my horror vamp Victoria watching the young lovers from afar as they embraced (and after they killed the vamp's lover, i guess he was that. He put his arm around her once). I wanted to feel like, yeah bitch. You're gonna get them!!! Can't wait until the sequel!!!
I actually felt like, oh well. No biggie. Immediately followed by "They need a new director, please, for the sequel."
No cocks for Direction, I'm sorry.
Now onto the MUSIC. Again, uninspired, unmoving, unemotional. Forgettable. No cocks.
Finally, the Make-up/Sfx.
Okay, make-up first!!! What is with the white powered, crazy hair, overall vampire look???? Too obvious. Too ridiculous. too distracting!!!
And what was with Bella's make-up? She's not a vampire yet, people!!! If Tim Burton, a brilliant director, had penned this, i could understand the actors looking like they stepped out of Edward Scissorhands or Sweeney Todd Land. But, he didn't direct this. Nor was he in charge of the make-up. But oh, if he did....that would be a film!!!
Now, specical effects. Okay. The trree jumping/flying was very well done. The fight scenes, albeit short, well done.
The special effects used on the vamp in sunlight, looked nothing more than glitter!!! What was that??? It could have been more effective if in fact the used glitter. Believe, me ive been there. It works wonders in the sun!!! And im sure Mariah Carey wouldn't mind. But perhaps thats more make-up dept. than special effects, though it was done optically in post. (Who knows the money spent on the bullshit job)
So, the special effects get 1/2 cock.
To make it official:
ACTING 1/2 cock
SCRIPT 1 cock
DIRECTION 0 cock
MUSIC 0 cock
Make-Up/Sfx 1/2 cock
So, Twilight will receive a review of 2 cocks.
To end this blog, here is a photo of a vampire that i, myself, find, irrestiable. Then again, its just me ;-)
More blogging later today. Peace
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